Airport 1970,

Minute 119: Cockpit Qualified

January 12, 2017

Guest Host: Gerry Porter

Since seeing Raiders of the Lost Ark, Gerry Porter has been inspired to search the globe for rare antiquities. Actually drums. He’s known Indiana Jones Minute’s Tom Taylor since birth, and Pete Mummert since their days at Marshall College, and believes that in a fight between Han Solo and Indiana Jones, we all win (until we all lose). When Gerry’s not shooting craps with the “bad egg” Hovitos, he’s installing Xboxes in every hut and slipping “Fortified Sunny D Jungle Punch with Pampas Berries” into every thatched lunch box. Here’s a joke he just made up: Why did the teacher make Gerry rewrite his number line? Bad Eights.

Vacation Co-Host: Nancy O’Kane

Nancy O’Kane, better known in Internet circles as “The Captain”, is much more comfortable watching movies than talking about them. Nevertheless, she has succumbed to the charms of her husband and agreed to take part in his podcast. When she’s not talking about George Kennedy and his cigars, she’s a full time student majoring in history and minoring in classics. She’s also busy being a caretaker to Rio, the most neurotic dog on the planet. Rio is afraid of thunder, lawnmowers, and plastic bags.


Joe Patroni is bargaining with Mel Bakersfield about the use of the snow plows on the stuck 707.

“Keep those Dinky Toys out of my hair and away from this aircraft for fifteen minutes,” says Joe. “Maybe less — I’ll drive it out!”

“Joe,” says Mel, “Let’s get one thing straight. When the tower tells us we’re running out of time, that’s it. There’ll be no arguments. The plows will move on my order.” Tanya beeps the horn on the MelMobile. Mel turns and leaves.

Joe ponders for a moment, then heads for the ladder to the 707. He stops Jack Ingram. “Get everybody and everything out of the way! We’re starting up!” says Joe. “And get me somebody that’s cockpit qualified.”

Jack turns around and yells, “Alright, everybody! Clear it out!”

In the MelMobile, Tanya updates Mel on the situation. “… and Chicago Center expects to hand over in twelve minutes,” she says, reading from her notes. “After that, our Approach Control will have the flight from eight to ten minutes. They figure touchdown at one-twenty-eight.”

“That’s less time than we figured,” says Mel, looking at his watch.

“They also said the choice of runway will have to be made no later than five minutes before landing,” explains Tanya. “After that, they’ll be committed, they can’t turn them.” Tanya looks up from her notes. “What’ll we do now?”

“We get out of the way, and wait,” says Mel. He shifts the MelMobile into gear, and fishtails back to the runway.

Meanwhile, Trans Global Flight Two continues its descent through the night sky. In the cockpit, Vern is communicating with Chicago Center.

“…and holding at six thousand,” says Vern.

In this minute

Burt Lancaster as Mel Bakersfeld
Jean Seberg as Tanya Livingston
George Kennedy as Joe Patroni
William Boyett as Jack Ingram



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