Airport 1970,

Minute 074: These Nuts Are Stale!

November 10, 2016

Guest Host: Gerry Porter

Since seeing Raiders of the Lost Ark, Gerry Porter has been inspired to search the globe for rare antiquities. Actually drums. He’s known Indiana Jones Minute’s Tom Taylor since birth, and Pete Mummert since their days at Marshall College, and believes that in a fight between Han Solo and Indiana Jones, we all win (until we all lose). When Gerry’s not shooting craps with the “bad egg” Hovitos, he’s installing Xboxes in every hut and slipping “Fortified Sunny D Jungle Punch with Pampas Berries” into every thatched lunch box. Here’s a joke he just made up: Why did the teacher make Gerry rewrite his number line? Bad Eights.


Gwen closes the curtain separating First Class from Coach and surveys the cabin.  She’s stopped by Mrs. Schultz.

“Oh, Miss, ” says Mrs. Schultz, “The Captain said we’d arrive on schedule…”

“That means we’re going to make up for the hour’s delay!” interrupts Mrs. Schultz, smiling.

“Father,” corrects Schuyler Schultz, ” with a ground speed of six hundred and twenty miles per hour, and a distance of four thousand eight hundred seventeen miles,  it’s a physical impossibility!”

“Your son is right,” says Gwen. “The Captain was referring to scheduled flying time. It’ll be approximately seven and a half hours from takeoff.” Mr. Schultz looks at his watch and nods.

Gwen continues down the aisle, passing by Dr. Compagno, who is sitting on an aisle seat rest, talking to an army sargeant. Gwen stops to talk to Judy, Harry Standish’s niece, who’s entertaining a small boy sitting in her lap.

“Oh, I see you’ve got a boyfriend!” says Gwen.

“Yes,” says Judy, “and he’s invited me to Rome to a nightclub.” Gwen continues down the aisle, looking at passengers. The man in 21-D snaps his fingers. It’s Marcus Rathbone again.

“Miss!” says Marcus, waving a plastic cup, “These nuts are stale!”

“I’m sorry, sir,” says Gwen, taking the cup from him. “I’ll try and find you some fresher ones.”

“Four hundred and seventy four dollars and they give you stale nuts!” grumbles Rathbone. Gwen continues aft.  She spots Ada Quonsett in 23-B.

“So you play the oboe!” says Ada to the man in 23-C.

In this minute

Peter Turgeon as Marcus Rathbone
Lou Wagner as Schuyler Schultz
Virginia Grey as Mrs. Schultz
Dick Winslow as Mr. Schultz
Whit Bissell as Mr. Davidson
Helen Hayes as Ada Quonsett
Van Heflin as D. O. Guerrero
Eileen Wesson as Judy Barton
Paul Picerni as Dr. Compagno



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